Stuff You Don't Learn in Seminary Part 2

Vans: it's a love-hate relationship

Look I’ll admit it. I came from a van-privileged family. We had some big ones when I was a kid. Yep, even one with a TV in it, that we figured out how to play Sega Genesis on. Some of you might be wondering how being a part of a van-loving 90s family would create privilege. It’s simple I learned to drive on a Ford E-350. Not only was it useful for hauling the family plus a boat in comfort and style… It also happens to be the basis for many church vans. Thus privilege.

Of all the large vans, the late nineties Dodge was my favorite. My mom had one with a 6L v8 that would squeal the tires.

Seminary is great for learning how to parse Hebrew verbs. I’ve taught that course a few times. But would you believe many seminaries don’t require apprenticeships in driving large vans? To this day I’m not entirely sure how an approved curriculum could fail to include it. Surely the stakeholders (churches who hire seminary grads) would prefer Pastor candidates who have proven their ability to drive the flock.

Now, in my experience there are two types of church vans. The ones that are completely trashed and virtually useless, and then the ones that will be after they come home from summer camp. Luckily for you dear reader, I have experience with both.

I remember driving a church van for the first time at the smaller church where I worked out straight out of college. I was taking a load of kids (*technical term for how many kids fit in the van) home from Wednesday evening church. Oh I forgot, the reason that vans seem to exist is to pick up kids whose parents really don’t want them to go to church, so that those kids can be at church while they are teenagers. I’m not sure what they do after they graduate because the van only picks up for the youth group. Anyway back to the story. I was driving along in that particular Chevy van that was beige. I topped a hill only to smell the distinct smell of gasoline. I did what any normal 22year old would do and turned on the vents to get some fresh air. But that only made things worse! Evidently the gas smell had taken over the vents. So I rolled down the window in the middle of the winter and finally smelled that wonderful cold fresh air. Much to my amazement, the kids in the van wailed about the temperature of the air. Evidently they didn’t appreciate my college graduate level problem solving. So we continued on while walking a thin line between tolerable air temperature and avoiding vomiting from the smell of petrol. Dutifully I dropped all the kids off, and started my return run. It was on the way back to church that I noticed the way the steering wheel seemed loose. I’ve mentioned my wonderful problem solving skills, and I applied them here by shaking the steering wheel. To my amazement nothing happened. The steering wheel had about 2 inches of play in either direction without affecting the wheels. So, upon arriving back at the church, I shared my mental list of problems with the van that I felt needed attention. My list was met with a spirited response of, “Can you believe we got it at a police auction for only $500!” Now I ask you, can you believe it?

Brothers and sisters, I’m proud to report that at my current church things are much better. We have a nearly pristine fleet of 3 vans. They were free. Yep, after COVID our local association decided they no longer wished to pay for insurance and upkeep on three aging vans that only 2-3 churches ever used. So now we pay for insurance and maintenance on those vans. Now don’t worry we still loan them to other churches. We do have some rules of course. One is not allowed out of the county. No you misread that - not country… county. Why? Because it WILL break down every so often. At this point I need to share the other purpose of church vans, to get groups of people to church events. This one usually does the job, though I have had to jumpstart it with my Honda Civic on more than one occasion. It gets used at precisely 2 events by our church, and both are events that require driving it less than 50miles. The nice van has working air conditioning. Recently, we took it and the other good one to a staff Christmas lunch where we invite spouses. Winter is good, since only one has air conditioning - but both have heat. I regret to inform you that several older staff members chose to drive their own vehicle. Something about how much better it was for their back…

Lest you think I am prideful, working at a church with three running vans, I will now share why I am so thankful for vans. Back to the church with that smelly beige van… One Sunday evening I had a load of kids ready to go swim at a member’s house after evening church (remember that?). We walked out the the parking lot and … no van. I asked the adults (funny I thought that as I was technically an adult at 23). Nobody knew where it went. Someone told me, “Aww just take ‘em in your Explorer - it’s just down the road.” So I did. The adults told me to do it. Things went well at the swim party. No inappropriate bathing suits from the girls and no swear words yelled by the boys wrestling in the pool! Now it was time to take everyone home. I loaded all 11 kids I was responsible for into my ford explorer. I had 5 seatbelts. No big deal, plenty of room to sit in the back, and four in that middle seat meant for three. It was tight but it worked. So I turned onto the main road that goes into town and noticed red and blue lights… One kid asked, “should we hide?” another said, “What’s gonna happen to you?” I didn’t know what to do so I just turned the interior lights on and waited for the handcuffs. The officer walked once around the vehicle, checked my registration sticker, then looked at me. “What are you doing?” was the only thing he said. I told him the story of that evening’s events. Thankfully it was a small town in the early 2000s. He said, “take them all straight home, and NEVER do this again.” Then he walked away. To this day I am thankful for that man. I am also thankful that nobody has ever taken the van I needed again.