How I Handle Difficult Conversations

A Christian Perspective

Sometimes I have to have a difficult conversation with people. I’m sure you do too. I actually do not enjoy it. I struggle with anxiety (a medical diagnosis). Today I want to share a few thoughts on how I handle these conversations. For the sake of clarity, I’ll define a difficult conversation as one in which I need to rebuke, admonish another person to change behavior. I’m not talking about correcting a simple issue, but something larger and often stress inducing.

Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

I share my method here because nobody trained me on this. I was a Youth Minister for over 7 years and none of the pastors trained me on doing this. Now I’ve been a Discipleship Pastor for a while and have to do this at least every month. I’m not placing fault on my previous pastors, I’m just thinking the odds are nobody trained you either. I’m offering what I’ve learned from experience as a starting point in the conversation on how to do this.

I don’t do it immediately

I try not to rush things because it is entirely possible that I think I need to have a difficult conversation with someone because I’m upset. See Psalm 62:5

Let all that I am wait quietly before God,

for my hope is in him.

I pray about it a lot

I pray for the person’s heart. I pray for my heart. I pray that God will give me clarity, and space in our schedules to talk. How long, or how frequently is a lot? I don’t know, but when I feel like I’m just repeating myself over and over, I know I’ve prayed “a lot.” See Philippians 4:6

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

I talk to a mentor

I avoid gossip, but I share vague details without names, etc. I am really just looking to see if this person agrees that I should proceed with the difficult conversation. If they disagree with me I take that seriously and pray more. If they agree with me, I proceed. See Proverbs 15:22

Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.

I solidify a scriptural basis

I work out in my mind a statement or two from scripture that I can repeat and bring up several times if necessary. I think of it like the sermon writing phase. I actually spend time planning my words carefully!

I schedule the conversation as early in the day as possible

Someone on substack (I looked it up it was

Kirk Walden

) mentioned this. I’ve tried it and found it to be helpful. If I schedule it early in the day, it helps my anxiety levels. I can just get up, go do the hard thing, then proceed with my day.

I pay

Yep, if I’m gonna confront someone or a lay a difficult truth on them, I buy the food/coffee/whatever.

I use the sandwich method

When I confront or rebuke someone I do my best to make sure it will be received as the “wounds of a friend” rather than “arrows of an enemy”. I think about two kind things I can bring up or use to encourage the person. I start with the stronger one, and then lay the harsh truth on them, finishing with another encouragement.

I listen

This step assumes that the other person didn’t storm off angrily… I stop and listen. I remain for as much time as the person wants to talk. If they disagree, I can simply repeat the scriptural basis I prepared. If they agree, I let them work out some things verbally. My wife likes to remind me that some people are verbal processors and I need to give them space to process. See James 1:19

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.

We pray

Before I leave we pray together for unity, for friendship and for clarity in the path forward.

Please let me know what you would change or add in the comments below!

Furthermore

I like to write about discipleship roughly once a month, my last post was:

I like to write about teaching a topic roughly once a month, my last post was: